My favourite sort of posts. The ones when I get to whinge and gripe and be snarky. Can I ever thank Kat enough for coming up with the genre?
Dear House,
So that is the boiler bust and the dishwasher up the spout. Is this a welcome home we missed you kind of present?
Yours, now well and truely broke and pretty cold,
Pants With Names
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Dear paranoid parents,
See that sign that says the climbing frame is suitable for 6 years old and up? Probably why it isn't safe for your 2 year old. Yes it would be nice if your 2 year old could climb on it, but it is also pretty nice that all the big kids have got a climbing frame that challenges them a bit. Your 2 year old has the rest of the playground to go on.
Yours, fed up with any whinging that isn't mine,
PWN
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Dear PhD Supervisor,
I know I'm supposed to be writing you pages of amazing prose to demonstrate what I've been doing for the past 2 years. I will, soon, I promise. In the meantime I'm trying to sort the Child Benefit, Tax Credits, importing our car and any number of other scintillating admin tasks. I'm friends with the on hold music, but I'm not exactly classing it as the way I'd prefer to spend my time.
Yours, trying to wring out the odd minute to write something sensible down,
PWN
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Dear Royal Mail,
Please stop redirecting our post. We've asked you nicely 4 times now. And no, we can't sign the thing you sent us, it's been redirected.
Yours, in admin pain,
PWN
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Dear Boys,
Can I just say, you two are amazing. New country, new house, new routines, new everything and you don't seemed to have turned a hair about starting school and playgroup. I'm so very proud of you both.
Lots of Love,
Mummy xxx
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Dear Jessie,
It's been two years since we walked you around here. How can you remember all the places to get really muddy, find revolting things to eat and spot the likely picnic areas? I thought we'd get at least a few months of respite before you recalled all the fun you used to have.
Yours, keeping you firmly on the lead during the summer months and prefering the house without the wet dog smell,
PWN
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Dear people who don't want to pay £2 for the Park and Ride,
Do you think that we don't notice you parking in our road? Does our road look like it has loads of free parking spaces? Do you notice how all the residents glare and hiss at you when you head into town all smug because you've saved yourself the cost of a bus fare, but forced someone who actually lives here to park miles away?
Yours, hissing venom and shooting lasers from my eyes,
Cross Pants
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Dear Self,
Life is too short to obsess with the parking habits of other people. Stop curtain twitching and get on with the more important things in life.
Yours, advising a cup of mint tea and a bit of a sit down,
Your more rational self,
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Dear Weather,
It's summer! There's an open air swimming pool down the road and a splash park that are begging to be used. I'm all for a bracing dip but this is ridiculous. Sort it out and let the sun shine through.
Yours, looking forward to making the most of the facilities around here,
PWN
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Dear English public,
Those leggings things that look like jeans? No. Just no. Not ever, in any form, on any person. Can I make myself any clearer?
Yours, not surprised that the glamorous Bosnian set has spurned this fashion disaster,
PWN
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Dear Playground,
We love you. We missed having a playground down the road. Actually we missed having any playground at all during the winter months. You are marvellous.
Yours, kissing the swings and climbing frames as we pass,
PWN
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Dear TV,
I can't work you. I have no idea how to find out what is on the different channels. When I do stumble across a guide thing all I can find is endless reruns of Top Gear, Gavin and Stacey and ridiculous but not very interesting reality TV shows. Even worse, because of all the different HD and Plus 1 channels it seems that you are all showing the same thing anyway. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Bosnian TV!
Yours, wanting to see something, anything, decent on telly,
PWN
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Dear Self,
Your list of to do currently includes: finishing all the unpacking, writing up a PhD, looking after 2 small but energetic boys, all the usual household chores, finalising all the admin for moving back in and doing all the PAYE for Dave's company. Do I need to remind you that you are also pregnant and keep falling asleep on the sofa at about 8.30pm? How on earth do you think you are going to manage to complete a kitchen extension before the baby appears? It is not a good idea. You are deluded. Just stop thinking about it and get on with things that need to be done now.
Your more rational and sensible self who needs to be listened to more often,
PWN
And breathe. I feel better already.