Let me tell you something... these last 8 months have been interesting.
My long-term sub job was up at the beginning of April. I day-to-day substituted in the same district until June. Day-to-day subs, I don't know how you do it. The first week was horrible and it had nothing to do with the fact that I didn't know the kids, the rules, the subject, whatever. The horrible thing was the anxiety the "day-to-day-ness" of it all. I'd go to bed at night not knowing what time I needed to be up in the morning, or wondering if the job I accepted for the next day was the best one I could get, or worrying about whether it was a good idea to turn down a job. My mind was in constant motion. I sat and refreshed the jobs page, only to see a job pop up and sit and worry about whether I should take it, whether it would be the only thing available the next day, whether someone else would take it while I sat and worried about the possibilities.
Then I started the real job hunt. My fourth year in a row. You'd think it wouldn't be so bad by this point. No, this year was worse. Every job created a new stream of mental vomit... should I apply for this one? What if I'm not qualified? What if I don't like it there? Do I really want to drive that far every day? Do I want to move back home? What if I can't find something? What if this job ends the same way all of the others have? Oi.
In the midst of this was my best friend's wedding, my final semester of grad school, a full-time summer job, Zumba classes, and the acquisition of a permanent job.
The anxiety and the worry snowballed. I started grinding my teeth at night, adding headaches, neck pain, and a sore jaw to the mix.
Something had to go.
First it was the running.
Then the caring about what I ate.
Then the Zumba.
It was so much more comforting to sit on my couch than to stand in front of a room full of people waiting for me to lead a workout. I was so preoccupied with my own mind that I couldn't even focus on choreography for a 3 minute song that I had done for months.
The preoccupied mind got worse. I locked my keys in my trunk my first day of new teacher orientation. A tow truck ride, 3 new keys, $250, and 2 1/2 hours later I made it. I smashed my front passenger tire leaving the dentists office. A new tire, rim, hubcap, and $400, I promised myself I'd start focusing.
I finally decided to see someone about my issue and finally got a label -- generalized anxiety disorder. Knowing that I wasn't just crazy made me feel automatically better. We worked on ways to ease my worrying and obsessive thoughts. The worrying took so much out of me that by the end of the day, I was completely drained and just wanted to crash. I spent hours sitting on my couch playing mindless games on the computer, watching TV, pinning dreams to Pinterest.
This morning, I tried on a pair of pants that I bought at the end of the summer. They didn't fit. I wanted to cry.
I weighed myself. 204. I wanted to throw up.
I promised myself I would never see a number that started with a 2 the day I finally fell out of the 200s. Today, I make that promise again with a renewed drive.
Today, I start getting my life back.