About a month ago, I spent a week by myself in Erie. Sunday, I took myself to Presque Isle State Park, rented a big, yellow bike, and spent the afternoon cycling around the island. My Droid had stopped working, so I wasn't able to log anything on LoseIt or track my ride with My Tracks. I cycled for the sake of cycling. For the enjoyment of no agenda, the wind in my hair, the smell of the lake, and the gorgeous view.
Then came my change of perspective.
After I had been cycling for over an hour and a half, I realized how much fun I'd been having, just for the sake of having fun. I wasn't trying to beat a distance or improve a time. I had gotten so burnt out from constantly beating myself up over not getting faster, going farther, losing more, eating less. If I forgot to log, I felt like shit. If I didn't run as far or as fast as I wanted, I felt like shit. If I didn't see the number on the scale drop as low as I wanted, I felt like shit. I was tired of feeling like shit, of beating myself up.
So, I made a decision.
I've given up the logging. I haven't ran since June and I'm ready to get back to it, for the fun of it. I want to enjoy working out again and run until I'm tired, not force myself to run because I don't want to feel like shit. If I run 2 miles, great. If I run 5 miles, even better. The important thing is that I'm out there. I'm moving.
Since my stress fracture, I have struggled to get my weight out of the 180s. For whatever reason, I have maintained pretty steadily between 182-185. I'm still a size 12. My Zumba pants fit and are roomy. I'm doing okay without the added pressure of more miles and more pounds.
I've been doing this for almost three years. I know what to do and what not to do. Maybe I will choose to get back to logging and pushing once thing calm down and I settle into the new school year, but for now.. I just want to live a normal life.
Here goes.