It's Friday. It's Dear So and So day. I'm ready to rock and roll.
Dear Sam,
You are totally gorgeous. Even at 3am. It must be love - I don't like anyone at 3am.
Love,
Mummy
PS - but if we could stop waking up to check that Mummy still loves you even at 3am that would be a good thing. x
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Dear Jessie,
Running into a barbed wire fence has not been your brightest move. Now the vet has shaved your face you look like a golden retriever version of a fighting street cat. It's not your best look. Can you keep an eye on where you are going from now on? If nothing else, I'd rather not keep handing over vast amounts of cash to the vet for something that really should be easily avoidable?
Yours,
Broke Pants
PS - and if you do have to run into a barbed wire fence, do try not to run into a post straight afterwards. Just a tip.
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Dear Health Professionals,
My newborn is not called Baby. He is called Sam. So please stop saying things like 'Let's weigh Baby'. It is 'Let's weigh Sam' or 'Let's weigh the Baby' (see that use of the definite article there, not a difficult part of the English language really). The only time it is acceptable to talk about Baby is if you are Patrick Swayze, talking about a corner and you are actually in Dirty Dancing.
Yours,
Pedantic Pants.
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Dear Midwife and your incredibly annoying student
Mistakes happen and I have no problem with that. However, when I point out to you that it is extremely unlikely that I have put on 15 kilos in one week and you choose not to listen to me I start to get irate. Particularly when your insistance on writing down the wrong weight in my notes led to all sorts of complications when I went into hospital and your version of my weight was used to calculate the amount of drugs I needed. So please learn to listen to your patients, use your common sense and when you make a mistake, it is generally good practice to apologise.
Yours,
Not so tubby Pants
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Dear older boys,
You have taken to the arrival of your little brother with aplomb. You are both great at holding him and he is going to absolutely adore you. I'm so proud of you both.
Love Mummy
PS - if you could stop bashing each other that would also be marvellous...
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Dear Teachers at the Boys School,
It's ok. You can stop with the furtive glances at the pram. Sam isn't as loud as Luke. If your 2014 classroom is as loud as your 2010 one, it will be someone else's child contributing the noise. #
Yours, as we all live in the pursuit of the odd moment of peace and quiet,
Deaf Pants
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Dear Luke,
I am not a climbing frame. Nor am I deaf. Please can we remember these two simple facts?
Love,
Mummy
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Dear Nurseries round here,
Full? You are already full? When do people put their children on your lists? Before they are conceived?
Bah, humbug,
Disorganised Pants
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Dear PhD Supervisor,
I might have time for the odd email. The email might even have a few thoughts strung together that look like I have a functioning brain cell. That isn't the same as writing a paper for publication in April. That could be stretching the brain cell's ability by a considerable amount. I'll give it a go, but don't hold your breath.
Yours, in chaos,
Pants
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Dear Internet Shopping,
I love you. I loooooove you. What did people do without you?
Yours, with Christmas totally under control (for now)
Pants
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Dear Virgin Media,
Your broadband is great. That is the ONLY reason that we are still with you. Your TV box is rubbish and everytime I use it I am reduced to screeching bad words at its rubbish user interface (did you see that, I can talk the jargon if I have to!). There is no excuse for it.
Yours,
Irritable Pants
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Dear Snow,
Thank you for not visiting here. I'm finding the cold weather tough enough to deal with whilst still working out how to get 3 children and myself out of the house on the same day I set out to leave the house. I think any snow would have finished me off.
Yours,
White Cotton Pants.
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Dear Winter,
You appear to have forgotten that you are supposed to be in Bosnia. Please head over there and supply them with cold and snow. They've apparently got our winter at the moment and we'd quite like it back. We thought we'd left the cold stuff behind when we came back here, not that happy to find it followed us. We don't have municipal heating or winter tyres in the UK either, which does make it much harder to cope with.
Thanks!
Chilly Pants
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Dear Sam,
I'm so enjoying this time with you. I feel that this time round I've got the time and energy to appreciate this newborn period. I have to say that the 4 year age gap between you and your nearest brother is a far more sensible one than the 19 month age gap between your brothers. That nearly wiped me out.
Looking forward to sharing the rest of your babyhood,
Love,
Mummy xxxx
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